Sunday, 15 April 2018

I Can’t Make You Love Me, But I Can Love Myself

This is me letting you go. This is me understanding that you’re not the one for me. Realizing that you’re not someone who brings joy to my life. Understanding that you’re someone who will never be selfless enough to love another.

Honestly, this is me realizing that I can’t make you love me. I can’t make you see in me what I thought I saw in you for so long. And I’m done trying, done hoping, done waiting. I’m done because you’ve hidden behind the excuse that you’re unsure of me and unsure of us, but really, you’re just unsure of yourself.
I don’t want love that is forced. I don’t want forced attraction. If something is lacking or simply isn’t there, I don’t want it. I don’t want you to see the good in me and think I’m logically the best choice for you, think that I am someone you should try to be with, and then attempt to create something that is unnatural and clearly not meant to be. 
I don’t want an “us” when there isn’t supposed to be one. Sometimes it’s best that the purpose we serve in each other’s lives is simply friendship, and sometimes the purpose is nothing at all. Just because you meet someone who seems great, it doesn’t mean that you have to entertain a relationship or even the idea of a relationship with them. Sometimes you meet a good person and it’s just an affirmation that good people still exist.
I don’t want to be with someone who can’t love me for my flaws, can’t appreciate the fire I had to go through to get to where I’m at today, is incapable of supporting and encouraging my passions, someone who can’t even be true to himself. This is the someone who maybe just loves the idea of me. The someone who sees me as a prize to be won. He’s also the someone who is never sure, the someone who has wandering eyes, the someone who can’t get the “grass is always greener” thought out of his head.

I can’t make you love me…nor would I want to. I wouldn’t want to try so hard at creating something that isn’t supposed to be.

Love and relationships cannot be forced. Love is hard work. It’s giving wholeheartedly, it’s transparency and vulnerability, it’s accepting the good with the bad, and it’s understanding that there are never any guarantees.
The truth is, the love you’ll put the most work into is the love you have for yourself. Because sometimes you have to go through the lowest lows, the internal battles, the dark times, to finally achieve that self love. And when you do, it’s something that you will not compromise for anyone else, no matter how much you may think you love them. The man who lacks depth and ability to appreciate the struggles you’ve overcome to get to where you are, the man who can’t even make up his mind about you, the man who wants you only on his own terms, is a man you are better without.
At the end of the day, if you don’t love yourself, you can’t truly love another person. The same way you can’t expect them to love you wholeheartedly if you don’t even love yourself that way.
The only certainty any of us have when it comes to love, is self-love. And while I will never try to make someone love me, the one thing I can make sure of is that I will always love myself.

Friday, 24 November 2017

Its November

Its November
Its freaking cold
Its 4 in the morning
And you've realized
the most important thing.
Its not your cup of tea
Attachment is not good for you
People will do what they want
Even if it hurts you
Even if you do everything to make them happy
Even if you go an extra mile
They will do what they want
And they "I said sorry na".
Its not easy to be a small fish in a big pond
But its worst to be a good human amongst bad one.
Maybe you shouldn't have gone that one extra mile
Maybe they didn't even deserve one feet of it.
And now here you are
Inside your quilt
Cuddling with it
At 4 in the morning
In November
Thinking why you have done so much for someone
You are not crying
You are sad but more that you are lost
You are thinking that you are such a fool,
Maybe I am,
You are thinking even after doing so much
If that person doesn't care about you than who will?
Are promises so hard to keep
Or its just that people don't value words anymore?
Whatever it is you are done now
All you have in your hand is your work
Focus on it
No one is worthy of your 4am's in the morning
The only thing worthy is your work.
You are thinking is even writing this note because of a person is worthy of your time?
You want to focus on your work
But you can't do anything other than to write this
Now you don't know how to end this note
you are still having countless thoughts
You can't write all of them
But motherfucker you can certainly write your future.

Tuesday, 12 September 2017

Love: A feeling

There's this love that no one can tell. It can't be seen nor can be heard. The only way to know is for you to feel. This love can stand through the test of time. It can surpass any gods and goddesses. Its power is unimaginable yet for some it's the best feeling ever.

        It started when the world was full of darkness. I couldn't think how to survive, but when she came, things became so easy. The circumstances that we encountered were unexplainable for we seemed to be in a script written by unknown. There were moments that we couldn't justify whether it's coincidence or predetermined. I kept on wondering if there's someone out there who changed our paths for us to be together or we personally chose this path that led us to each other. If it were the first, I would be asking that someone to write acceptable ending for us. However, it's impossible for our story ended long before it even started.

        Watching you from afar was my hobby. It began when you caught my attention by being yourself. It didn't require you to be the most perfect girl in my very eyes. You did capture my heart the moment my eyes set in yours. It was the most unimaginable yet the most amazing feeling. I couldn't fathom why,of all people, you were chosen. There was nothing special about you. However, you became the most treasured person in my life without you exerting effort.

          Days passed by like an arrow, feelings started to grow. My mind tried to control them yet, they're like water in my hands that were slowly dripping. As I held on to that feeling, it became my illness. It caused me sleepless nights and chaotic mind. I once became insane for I asked myself for some explanations that I knew from the very start didn't exist. These things kept on taunting me. I wished that letting you know my feelings was just a matter counting 1,2,3. Nevertheless, the truth couldn't be as easy as that nor be contained forever.

        The moment you decided to be with someone else was the moment my heart stopped its function. It refused to beat and to think. Needless to say, my brain told it to do so. Owing to the people's advice, I tried to continue my life without you. It was such a roller-coaster journey. It started arduous, then it became easy, yet unconsciously, it stopped. I pretended not to know why, but as a matter of fact, I knew for I did it on purpose. I didn't want to let you go. I didn't want to let go of the memories we shared. I am still hoping that we can still have our “story”. My subconscious mind wished that I could put your name and mine in a sentence; that it's possible for us to be in one place. Yet deep inside, I know that “us” is next to impossible.

Wednesday, 9 August 2017

Love is Vulnerable

Loving someone is one of the most vulnerable positions in which you can be. You open your heart to another person and your best wish is for him or her to love you in return.

Unfortunately, life is not a Nicholas Sparks movie; love isn't always reciprocated, and it doesn't always end in a happily ever after.

I had to learn this hard truth, and chances are, you're reading this because you have, too.

Sometimes, love isn't a feeling you force upon yourself; it just happens.

When you start to spend more time with another human being, you expose yourself to whom he or she is — all the idiosyncrasies, past experiences, what makes him or her happy or sad, dreams and ambitions in life, flaws and the depths of his or her heart.

And you, in return, divulge your deepest secrets and desires. They know what it takes to make you laugh or feel special, and you build new memories together that make any torment of the past that much easier to bear. It makes you feel hopeful, and before you know it, you're in love.

It is an incredibly vulnerable position because to me, loving someone entails giving away parts of yourself you lock up from the rest of the world.

We all have stories to which we quietly hold tightly and when you are finally able to reveal this to another person, it is a true sign of trust.

Everything changes the moment you look at a person differently. You start to notice intricate details you didn't before, like the curve of  her lips, the frown line above her eyebrows and the way she laughs.

You realize how much you adore this person and what you would do to move mountains for him or her. Then, your heart starts to palpitate, fingers start to shake and it dawns on you that the next step won’t be easy — the declaration.

This is the scariest part. You either free your soul and spill, or die in torment to salvage whatever relationship you have. If you know for sure that how you feel is mutual, there is absolutely no risk involved. Otherwise, it is an excruciating experience that might make you wish you were hit by a truck.

The part where she tells you she doesn't feel the same way or can't date you for whatever reasons or is not ready to be in a relationship can be painful to hear. But, the reason is irrelevant — it still fuking sucks.

Rejection is not pretty. It hurts. It brings on an onslaught of tears, heartache and self-loathing. This is the part where your shattered heart will start to ask questions like, “Why doesn't she love me?” and your brain does this bullshit thing where it answers with, “I'm not good enough” or “I'm not loveable” or “I'm worthless.”

The next thing you know, you're in sweatpants with a tub of ice cream and you call in sick to work because you can't get out of bed. Rejection can be immobilizing.

Then, you have to deal with the “giving each other space” thing so you can stay friends or “never see each other ever again” because it's awkward. It's almost like a breakup! Then, you mourn the person’s absence and wonder if she thinks of you, too.

Then, you get even more depressed by the very thought of you being all emotional while he or she is probably off with someone better. Then, you wonder if he or she cares at all, even just a little bit. And then, you feel sorry for yourself.

After some time to grieve — weeks or maybe even months —, you might be able to wake up in the morning and breathe clearly again because it didn't hurt so much.

You start doing the “I'm working on me” thing and it distracts you for a bit, but a song might come on the radio that reminds you of him or her, or someone asks you about that person, and the pain bleeds through the cracks of your trying-to-mend heart.

You want to call him or her just to see how he or she is, but maybe that's too much. You have news to share with this person, like a new job or something interesting that happened, but maybe that's too much, as well.

The worst thing that could happen is a relapse. And, you're stuck with the feeling of “will this ever get better?”

You move on with your life, fearing you’ll never open your heart that way again. You also fear no one will be able to steal your heart again.

Perhaps the sun will shine over the dark clouds one day and you will have your moments of hope and faith — hope that it will get better soon and faith that it will all make sense.

You didn't understand because in your eyes, the two of you would have been an unstoppable force and an amazing love story. You wish that he or she could see the beautiful world through your lenses — a romance entangled with heated debates, bad fights and passionate sex.

The truth is, he or she will never understand. He or she will never understand how happy you could have made him or her or how it feels to be loved by you. And that, in the end, is the saddest, most painful part of it all.

Friday, 4 August 2017

The pain of one sided love

Even I love her the way no one else have loved anyone , She still won't be mine.
Yes Priyanka , you were right, it hurts, it hurts a lot.
They had a fight but still to see how much she takes care of him , it hurts , why cant I be that guy , what have I done wrong⁦, what is my mistake, Is it god who is punishing me for not believing in him ....
To see her with him, they were sitting by side, the love of my life was taking care of some one  else in front of me and all i can do is make sure that both of them are okey..I can't show what the fuck im going through..No one in this world can ever understand the pain you are going through..I repeat No one..You are getting hurt but still you have to act like it doesn't bother you..He didn't ate anything and this gave him her love , well I can do the same thing .I can also not eat or drink , Will it give me her love ? Or more importantly is this the way you want to get her love ??????
I'm strong but am i strong enough to let her go? No, I'm not but still I have to act like I'm.... I'm her bestie but I want more than that....I want to hold her hand , i want to hug her tight when she is sad , I want her to hug me tight when I'm down, i want to be there for her, i want to make her sleep, i want to remove her headache, i want to sleep besides her , i want to wake up beside her, I want us to be together for the rest of our i wanting too much ? Is it too much to ask??. it's just doesn't matter whether we have sex or doesn't fucking matter ....i just wants to be with her...but does anyone care ?
I'm her"Maybe" ..she says maybe we will be together ..But i dont want to be A Maybe...I want to be her bestie for life, i want to be her boyfriend her love ,I want to sit at the rooftop at 3am with her, i want to grow old with her, i want  to have a house on the hills and sit there on our chairs when we are 80  and die in peace....But does it matter what i want ?
If i was at his place i wouldn't hurt her ever but still here i am not at his place and wondering what i have done wrong...never thought wrong for anyone, always helped Everyone, always being a good guy but still here I am wondering what have I done wrong...why im fucking I gonna be alone for my life ? Am i ever gonna have her love ? Im not good at expressing my self and maybe that's why im writing all this .. I do want to tell her all this but that will make things difficult for her and i dont want that to happen ...I guess this is who i am I can hurt myself but not others.... I don't know how long i can do this...Im tired...ones i told her " yr thak gaya hu ab m " and she thought I'm tired physically but no i was tired emotionally ...I don't know whether its good or bad that she didn't understand what i said....I don't know how long i can do this...she is the only one I have ....the only thing im scared of right now is of loosing her ..She is the only one i have and I just don't want to loose her ....
Plz don't ever leave me , i may be strong but not strong enough to let you go.. I'll be really alone and i have been alone for last 21 years and I don't want to be alone for ever ...

Wednesday, 29 March 2017

20 Minions about Love

  1. When he arrived at her door unexpectedly, the first thing he said was, "I shouldn't have come." Her kiss told him he was wrong. He should have come years ago.
  2. When the joke ended, the room was painfully silent except for a snortle from a blonde near the back of the room. In that moment he realized that what he wanted more than a future in comedy was a future with her.
  3. The poem was beautiful. She imagined what it would be like to have someone love her enough to write a poem like that about her. What she didn't realize until much later is that someone already had and she had just read it.
  4. He never told her he loved her. He made her coffee in the morning. He brought her tissues when she sniffled. He bought her flowers when she was sad. He made her favorite dinner every Tuesday, and tucked her in when she fell asleep reading. But he never told her he loved her.
  5. "Mom, why does this song make you cry?" "It reminds me of someone." "Someone who made you sad?" "No. Someone who made me very, very happy."
  6. Her hand was not as pretty as it had been. It was wrinkled and blotchy. Still, when he held it in his own wrinkled hand it felt the same as always.
  7. At last they kissed. Although they both had desperately wanted to all evening, when it finally happened it was not so much out of boldness but, rather, because neither of them could think of anything else to say.
  8. I had dreams. I had my life all planned out, but I did not plan for this. I did not plan for you. I'm abandoning everything I thought I wanted, but your love has taught me I wasn't dreaming big enough.
  9. After he was gone she no longer thought about the imperfections of their imperfect life together. She remembered being happy together, and that was enough.
  10. "I never thought you liked me," she gasped between kisses. "No," he said, " I like you very much." So they kept on kissing.
  11. The two men held the paper tightly as if it could disappear at any moment.  They barely believed that after so many years together they were finally married. Really married. They kissed again as the boy clapped joyfully.
  12. He let her go because it was what she wanted. She didn't realize until too late that was exactly why she should have stayed.
  13. He made an off-hand remark about wishing they lived in a time when people wrote love letters and kept them in boxes. "But we do," she said, and she showed them the boxes where she kept printed copies of every sweet email he ever sent her.
  14. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but for them it was proximity. At first they barely liked each other, but after years of working side-by-side their emerging fondness for one another became too strong to ignore.
  15. He never thought she was beautiful. He thought she was smart. He thought she was funny. He thought she was kinder than he deserved, but he never thought she was beautiful. He knew she was beautiful. Even as a blind man he could see that.
  16. She dreamed of a love so great it surrounded her with constant warmth and transformed her into stronger and more beautiful woman than she was without it. When she awoke and felt her wife's body snuggled up next to her she knew it wasn't just a dream.
  17. She continued to mourn him, but she was not the only one who mourned. So did the men who came later and found they could never compete with the dead man who still held her heart.
  18. For years they had missed each other. Not missed meaning "felt the absence of" but missed meaning "were totally oblivious to." It took being in the same place over 64 times before they fell in "love at first sight," but at least they did.
  19. He looked better than she remembered, and she had remembered him often. She always wondered what would have happened if she had told him how she felt about him. Well, tonight she intended to find out. (She would be pleased with the result.)
  20. "If this were a movie we'd probably kiss now." "Too bad this isn't a movie, huh?" "Yep." He took her hand as they walked and laughed. And although they did not have their movie kiss at that moment, they would have many to come as they headed toward a happy ending that no movie could match.

Thursday, 16 March 2017

ना तरकीब कोई की एग्जाम पास किया जाए;
ना जाने कौन सा दर्द दिया है इस पढ़ाई ने;
ना रोया जाय और ना सोया जाए।